Updated: Feb 9, 2020
We’ve all experienced friendships, relationships, or familial break ups.
It’s fucking hard.
The rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts aren’t for the faint of heart. This becomes extremely difficult if you’re the one holding your dignity, while the other party is throwing metaphorical daggers at you.
I often have the thoughts;
When will this ever end?
Why couldn’t I have just had a normal parting of ways without so much collateral damage?
Am I that hard of a person to love?
When will this be over?
Then I check myself, before I wreck myself:
1.) Allow time
If someone is being a vindictive fuck and blaming everything on you— attempting to make it ‘better’, or attempting to help them see things rationally is only going to fuel the fire.
Things will chill after some time. Perhaps this includes them coming around to being a kind human, perhaps it doesn’t. You can't control this. Acceptance of the truth, that nothing you do in this moment will change things as they currently are is essential.
Time will tell when emotions have lost their power.
2.) Check yourself
Look at your actions and analyze them. When a relationship comes to an end we want to take on the victim role, and point fingers. "They hurt me, look I'm a victim and they are evil."
But you must actively decide youre not going to take on the victim role in your life. You are not the victim of the world you see my friends.
The best way to remove ourselves from this perpetual cycle is to take complete ownership in your part.
Do you really think you had no part?
Most people have a hard time here. Even in my past relationship I had a part— I stayed in a place I didn't belong for too long. I allowed him to think it was ok to hurt me and I wouldn't leave. I was opinionated and had standards that were too far reaching for him. That wasn't his fault. It was mine. I stayed.
Get your journal out and make a list of all the ways you played a role in the chaos of your broken relationship. Ask yourself, "How did I participate."
3.) Not everyone will take responsibility for themselves, their actions— nor have the willingness to do so
Sometimes you just aren’t dealing with someone who has invested enough time into personal growth, or is even interested.
You could be dealing with a genuine narcissist but that's rare— most people are inherently good.
One of my peeves is when people incorrectly use this word. It's not the type that y’all call everyone on the internet, that have a healthy sense of self — but rather the individuals that legitimately can’t understand their own culpability. Anyways, if you are dealing with a narcissist your words will be falling on deaf ears.
Otherwise most humans have trouble taking responsibility for a number of reasons. Denial, conditioning, cognitive distortions, and feedback they are getting from other humans supporting their role as a victim.
You can't reason someone out of a position that they reasoned themselves into and attempting to do so is a huge waste of fucking time. People only see what they are ready to see. You can't force this timeline.
You’re only responsible for yourself and your own thoughts. Place your focus there.
4.) Personal integrity
This one is big for me. Integrity is being honest and having strong moral principles. If you’re a person of integrity, you need to trust that your truth will shine through. The roots of integrity is about doing the right thing even when it’s no one is watching.
It’s natural to want approval from people whose opinions we value; friends, family, and colleagues. With that said this should never be at the expense of your self worth and personal integrity.
It is harmful to value others opinions above your own moral compass. If you felt that you responded in the best way you knew how, in a way that aligned with your values or knowledge in the moment— and yet you give more weight to another party’s negative opinion about your actions, this can ultimately damage to your sense of self.
I know how easy it is to get sucked into that whirlwind when they are lashing out at you and you start to personally identify with their hurtful words— but we choose what we believe.
Who benefits there, if you believe their opinion of you holds more weight than your own?
Definitely not you.
5.) Gratitude for what this experience has taught you
Reframing pain as a catalyst for growth was another life altering shift in my perceptions of the world and directly impacted the quality of my life.