THREE SIX TODAY!
I thought I’d share some epiphanies/learning curves/musings. These truisms have allowed me to live with radical acceptance of all the ups and downs life inevitably throws at all of us.
1.) Develop a consistent philosophy of life. Maintain cognitive consistency. Cognitive consistency can be used to predict and explain the various outcomes; and thus can be fairly predictive of “drama” or cognitive dissonance in ones life.
Congruency in thoughts, beliefs, ideologies, opinions, etc., leads to better mental health outcomes. Incongruency, or asymmetry, leads to cognitive tension where the individual will seek to rectify via projecting pain—or reaching outside of themselves for maladaptive coping mechanisms.
2.) Accept the reality of your humanness in that you are going to need time, effort, and energy to change and grow. You will experience some resistance to altering long standing habitual ways of acting, reacting, and believing.
Take life one day at a time and consider each day a gift of life that will allow you to get one step closer to your goal of growth and change.
3.) Reframe your perspective on the past, present, and future. Do not dwell on your past mistakes and failings. They have made you, you. And regardless of that negativity bias that infiltrates all of our minds—I think you’re pretty amazing the way you are even if you’re dealing with some heavy shit. You’re here. You’re dealing. That’s enough to be an amazing human.
Without hardships and catastrophe we don’t learn. There is no other way, so why not embrace the messy as part of your personal evolution?
Do not obsess over what you will become or how you will act in the future. Each day is another chance to be the person you desire to be. Small daily actions feed into the big picture anyhow. So by focusing on the now—you’ll be feeding your desired future self.
As for the now; recognize that you’re a human that is learning new skills for your future self. Don’t berate yourself for missteps because again this is part of the evolutionary process.
4.) Break larger goals down into components that are short term goals and objectives. Why? They are more realistically attainable in the immediate future which inspires us to act more frequently on attainment.
When we feel like we are making daily progress it feeds into the dopaminergic system. This is where bliss is contained in the human experience. This is where we feel like a worthwhile individual making a difference. Not by screaming online in the name of “activism” or the fallacious belief of being altruistic by forcing our beliefs on others.
When we attempt to tackle goals in an unrealistic timeframe we can feed into learned helplessness. Smart goal setting is essential.
5.) Accept, understand, and forgive yourself for being fragile at times, imperfect, and weak.
You need to become your own best friend and cheerleader. Love yourself. I tell my clients often to talk to themselves like they would a child when they misstep. Would you call your child a dumbass for making a mistake? No? Then don’t call yourself that.
6.) Wake up to the realities of life around you. Everyone with whom you come in contact is busy working through their own struggles, health complications, weaknesses, setbacks, relapses, crises, and obstacles to their personal growth.
Dehumanizing others is cognitively easy and helps fit our narratives better—but is a false reality that we need to reject.
There is no one exempt from this journey. And it takes a lifetime to complete. It’s not a race as we all have a different deck to pull from. Embrace others with radical understanding and acceptance. Love is the way. Always.
7.) Hand over and let go of the worries, concerns, anxieties, and doubts about life.
We cannot control an outcome no matter how hard we try. We can only control our actions. No one else’s. Eventually habits sink in so deeply that they become the basis of our identity. You cannot control another humans habits and that’s what you’re attempting to do when you demand “accountability”. No one changes that way so it’s futile to put energy into it.
This doesn’t mean become complacent; but rather accept that the outcome may not be what you want and there really is only one thing you do have control over; your actions.
8.) Confront your fears about life. Remember, the world was not created in a day. Beautiful symphonies, literary masterpieces, and businesses are not created in a day. A lifetime is not lived in a day.
Learn to dance with your fears. We will never completely eradicate fear as it’s intrinsic but we do need to learn to lean into it. I’ve had a lot of practice myself with leaning into fear as many of you know. Severe physical abuse, near death experiences, compulsive behaviors, phobias, cancer, online mobs, addictions, losing everything I worked at attaining for over a decade, losing babies, losing children I loved with all of me, and so, so, much more.
The one thing I know for certain is that others public presentation of self that doesn’t contain visible fear doesn’t rectify the human tendency to posses the garden variety of innate anxieties. The difference between those who are successful and those who stay stagnant in life comes down to those who embrace fears or “triggers”, and those who run from them or demand others honor them.
I refuse to make other alter their way of being for my weaknesses.
9.) Realize we are all just doing our best. This goes for everyone too. Even online or real life bullies are trying to rectify cognitive pain when they lash out.
Yes, some I choose to distance myself from if they are outwardly abusive. But that’s not because they are an evil person, but rather they have not dealt with their pain long enough to try mine on yet—and it’s best that we separate for the time being for our inner peace.
Take no shit, but also reject the tendency to lash out. Lashing out never rectifies pain and only adds to it.
10.) Forgive readily. We all fuck up. Every last one of us. Give others the grace you would give a child.
Forgiveness isn’t essential to live a full life but it has helped me personally rectify my inner world. When they say forgiveness is more for you it’s true—as it can lead to an increase in emotional, mental, and physical well-being.
Recognizing and deciding to let go of the pain you’re clutching is freedom.
No one needs to apologize and you don’t even need to speak to the person that hurt you as all of this is an internal process. Forgiveness doesn’t equate to forgetting either, although they are often conflated. You can still own your story without contempt for someone else.